Navigating the holidays and grief

I cannot tell you how many clients and friends I've talked to lately about how emotional this time of year is.  Being with family can be nourishing.  It can also be very triggering.  This is especially true if you have a parent or other close loved one who has passed.  

For me, Thanksgiving especially reminds me of my mom.  It was certainly her holiday.  She was a brilliant cook and hostess.  Always preparing a huge spread, welcoming any one of our friends who may have nowhere to go for the holiday, and hosting extended family as well.  Like most families, she had the holiday recipes that she made every year, her special gluten-free stuffing and a beautiful salad with pomegranate seeds, persimmons, and pear vinegarette.  

This year, it will be very different.  I'm going to an extended family lunch.  Mom died in 2016 so she won't be there (in person) and my dad is out of town working on some health issues.  So... we won't be eating any of that deliciousness and both of my parents will be physically absent.  It's going to feel so weird.   And I know grief will show up for sure.

Grief is intense because it holds so many emotions.  Sadness, anger, hopelessness, emptiness, fear, longing, heartache, bittersweet.  I find it typically shows up at the worst times.  It shows up at times when it might feel hard to let those emotions fully digest.   However, we need to learn how to grieve for the health of our nervous systems.  When you don't, the dysregulation can be crippling, from anxiety to depression and other health-related issues.

So, how do you live in the flow of holiday plans and handle the emotions that arise without repressing them?  Here are a few things I've learned over the years that have helped clients and myself during these tender times:

First, don't skip your regular self-care around the holidays. Prepare your toolbox of practices that help you to be present and regulated.   In other words, make it imperative that you stay consistent so that your system has the capacity for the emotions and stress of the holiday that is certainly coming.  Do the meditation, yoga class, walks, dance classes...whatever works for you.  And, if it's fun...that's even more important.  Stay hydrated, keep your blood sugar level, go outside and get fresh air and sun (if you're somewhere the sun is shining, and move at a moderate pace (not rushing and not skipping sleep).  

Second, plan how you're going to take care of yourself during the holiday celebration.  Expect to feel yucky at some point and do something to take care of your system.  My go-to is the bathroom.  I'll head to the john, check in with my body, and see what she needs.  Sometimes I need to cry, sometimes I'm moving frustration or anger, and other times I'm finding a quiet space to give myself a rest from all of the tumult.  

Third, if there's a family member who has passed and/or won't be there the same way they used to be, get curious about how you can stay connected to them.  Here's the thing, they will be there with you in your heart and in spirit.  In past years I made one of mom's recipes to honor her.  While I was making it, I would even talk to her and say, "I know it's not as good as yours but it feels so nice to make your food".  This year, since I'm not cooking, I may invite her to come out on a walk with me to look at the plants, we share that interest as imagining her with me always makes me feel closer to her.

Some questions to get your juices flowing:
~What activities did you and your loved one do together that you could do to feel closer to them? Could any of this be done with others or does it need to be done alone?
~Is there a momento that you could have with you during the family gathering to feel closer to your loved one? 
~How can you bring them into the day so that you feel connected to them?
~Let it be simple, easy, and meaningful.

These types of reflections and rituals can be very grounding for the nervous system.  Rather than a groundless absence, they can be a lifeline to connection and feeling a little more regulated around family and holiday time.

Fourth, who may also be feeling what you feel? 
Consider sharing your feelings with that person so that you feel less alone.

If you try any of these tools, I'd love to hear how they worked or didn't work for you. 

Remember, when you change your nervous system state, you change your thoughts, emotions, behaviors, and how your body feels.

If you are grieving and/or want to learn how to digest your emotions in a healthy way, you may be ready for 1 on 1 work

Reply to this email to schedule a 30-minute consultation to see if we're a good fit to work together.

I look forward to hearing more about your nervous system and what's supporting you in shifting old patterns.

Join us for a delicious Somatic Yoga/Bowspring practice on Wednesday and Saturday mornings this week.

There's currently room in my 1 on 1 schedule for Somatic Experiencing Therapy.
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With LOVE and Regulation Always
Dorie

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