Navigating the holidays and grief

I cannot tell you how many clients and friends I've talked to lately about how emotional this time of year is.  Being with family can be nourishing.  It can also be very triggering.  This is especially true if you have a parent or other close loved one who has passed.  

For me, Thanksgiving especially reminds me of my mom.  It was certainly her holiday.  She was a brilliant cook and hostess.  Always preparing a huge spread, welcoming any one of our friends who may have nowhere to go for the holiday, and hosting extended family as well.  Like most families, she had the holiday recipes that she made every year, her special gluten-free stuffing and a beautiful salad with pomegranate seeds, persimmons, and pear vinegarette.  

This year, it will be very different.  I'm going to an extended family lunch.  Mom died in 2016 so she won't be there (in person) and my dad is out of town working on some health issues.  So... we won't be eating any of that deliciousness and both of my parents will be physically absent.  It's going to feel so weird.   And I know grief will show up for sure.

Grief is intense because it holds so many emotions.  Sadness, anger, hopelessness, emptiness, fear, longing, heartache, bittersweet.  I find it typically shows up at the worst times.  It shows up at times when it might feel hard to let those emotions fully digest.   However, we need to learn how to grieve for the health of our nervous systems.  When you don't, the dysregulation can be crippling, from anxiety to depression and other health-related issues.

So, how do you live in the flow of holiday plans and handle the emotions that arise without repressing them?  Here are a few things I've learned over the years that have helped clients and myself during these tender times:

First, don't skip your regular self-care around the holidays. Prepare your toolbox of practices that help you to be present and regulated.   In other words, make it imperative that you stay consistent so that your system has the capacity for the emotions and stress of the holiday that is certainly coming.  Do the meditation, yoga class, walks, dance classes...whatever works for you.  And, if it's fun...that's even more important.  Stay hydrated, keep your blood sugar level, go outside and get fresh air and sun (if you're somewhere the sun is shining, and move at a moderate pace (not rushing and not skipping sleep).  

Second, plan how you're going to take care of yourself during the holiday celebration.  Expect to feel yucky at some point and do something to take care of your system.  My go-to is the bathroom.  I'll head to the john, check in with my body, and see what she needs.  Sometimes I need to cry, sometimes I'm moving frustration or anger, and other times I'm finding a quiet space to give myself a rest from all of the tumult.  

Third, if there's a family member who has passed and/or won't be there the same way they used to be, get curious about how you can stay connected to them.  Here's the thing, they will be there with you in your heart and in spirit.  In past years I made one of mom's recipes to honor her.  While I was making it, I would even talk to her and say, "I know it's not as good as yours but it feels so nice to make your food".  This year, since I'm not cooking, I may invite her to come out on a walk with me to look at the plants, we share that interest as imagining her with me always makes me feel closer to her.

Some questions to get your juices flowing:
~What activities did you and your loved one do together that you could do to feel closer to them? Could any of this be done with others or does it need to be done alone?
~Is there a momento that you could have with you during the family gathering to feel closer to your loved one? 
~How can you bring them into the day so that you feel connected to them?
~Let it be simple, easy, and meaningful.

These types of reflections and rituals can be very grounding for the nervous system.  Rather than a groundless absence, they can be a lifeline to connection and feeling a little more regulated around family and holiday time.

Fourth, who may also be feeling what you feel? 
Consider sharing your feelings with that person so that you feel less alone.

If you try any of these tools, I'd love to hear how they worked or didn't work for you. 

Remember, when you change your nervous system state, you change your thoughts, emotions, behaviors, and how your body feels.

If you are grieving and/or want to learn how to digest your emotions in a healthy way, you may be ready for 1 on 1 work

Reply to this email to schedule a 30-minute consultation to see if we're a good fit to work together.

I look forward to hearing more about your nervous system and what's supporting you in shifting old patterns.

Join us for a delicious Somatic Yoga/Bowspring practice on Wednesday and Saturday mornings this week.

There's currently room in my 1 on 1 schedule for Somatic Experiencing Therapy.
Reply to this email to set up a consult and let's talk about working together.  There's a new testimonial below for you to get a taste of this work from a client.

With LOVE and Regulation Always
Dorie

Forward this email now to someone who is struggling and could benefit from this information.

Anxiety, Depression and feeling stuck is your body speaking to you.

Anxiety, depression, and feeling stuck are the actual symptoms my clients come to me specifically to eliminate. And when we work together doing Somatic Therapy on a nervous system level, the anxiety depression, and stuckness change.

However, in order for that change to occur, the client must begin to see these symptoms as the way your nervous system speaks to you when it feels a threat. It is your protective responses that are speaking to you in the form of Sensations, Images, Impulses, and Emotions.

The nervous system states of fight/flight (anxiety), dorsal shutdown (depression), or a combo of the two (freeze or stuckness)  are telling you that your system is feeling a threat.

You may not know why you are feeling that way and when you try to figure out why you just spin and spin in your head.  That spinning/thinking/trying to figure it out just makes it worse.  Let's be real, if that worked, we wouldn't be talking about your nervous system.  So, for now, go ahead and let go of the why.

Instead, focus on what you KNOW you are feeling in the present moment and connect it with your protective responses.

For example, when you're feeling anxious, pause and notice what it feels like in your body.  Even a moment of connecting anxiety to a tightening in your chest, an image of a childhood memory of bullying, or the impulse to run (for example) can begin to digest the anxiety.

Once you recognize that your body is giving you a threat message and you identify what state you're in, you can support your body in DIGESTING that emotion by following your impulses and coming back to a feeling of safety in your body

You'll know you feel safe because you will feel that you're back in your body, you'll notice your environment, and you'll feel a sense of grounding and ease. 

So, the next time you feel anxious, depressed or stuck, rather than trying to change how you feel, shift into getting curious about what your system is saying to you and then use your innate impulses to move that energy through your system.

The greatest paradox of life is when I accept myself as I am,  that's when I change.

                                                               - Carl Rogers

There are a few open spaces in my schedule for 1 on 1 work.  Is it your time?
Contact me here we can set up a 30 min consult to chat about Somatic Therapy

Growing Your Capacity for Joy

One really important part of the healing process that you don't typically hear about is having the capacity to feel good.  It can be really common to have a hard time hanging out in appreciation, joy, ease, calm, relaxation, etc.  It can almost feel unsafe or even threatening to the body. 

And that's so confusing.  You want to feel good but when you do, it's scary A.F.

It can feel like this.  Let's say you're having a nice quiet and connected moment with someone and then all of the sudden you feel like your heart is going to beat out of your chest, you start to sweat, and your belly cramps.  This is your nervous system going beyond its capacity to digest the good stuff. 

Or, you're relaxing on the couch and then all of the sudden you have urgent thoughts that you have to unload the dishwasher RIGHT NOW plus 10,000 things on your to-do list. (this happens a lot for people in meditation)

You want to feel good, but when you do, it doesn't feel safe in your body.

Friend, this makes so much sense. When your system relaxes a little bit, the stress-energy that's stuck inside now has room to come up. This is great because it means you can digest old stress energy that's making you anxious, depressed, or sick. The challenge is having enough regulation in your system to be able to digest the trauma in teeny tiny bits over time so that it doesn't re-traumatize your system. This is what I support clients in learning how to do.

The good news is you CAN build your capacity to feel good in your life.  I do this with a practice called Courting Joy

Here's one way to do it:
Notice something that your animal body enjoys in the moment

Look for:

• colors

• shapes

• textures

• sounds

• smells

• tastes

• sensations on your body

• something happening outside of you

• something happenings between you and another person or animal (a moment of connection or fun)

Once you find the thing that's enjoyable to you, notice the sensations and experiences of enjoyment in your body.  They might be subtle (like I feel more grounded or awake) or more obvious like my arms are tingling or my heart feels warm. At first, you might not notice much. But the cool thing is the more you get curious about your inner experiences, the more they will arise for you.

Make this a daily practice and see what happens.

Is it time for you to grow your capacity for joy, ease, rest, and pleasure?

There are a few open spaces in my schedule for 1 on 1 work
Contact me to set up your 30 min consult to chat about Somatic Therapy