Why You Can't "Talk" Yourself Out of Feeling Anxious

Hello Friend

Have you ever found yourself anxious and tried to talk yourself out of emotion?  Or have you ever tried to let someone else talk you out of it? 

It seems like the right thing to do, there's a logical explanation for why I shouldn't feel anxious (or whatever you feel) right now. 

But...it doesn't matter what I say or what anyone else says, I still feel anxious. 

Talking doesn't work!

Why?

Check this out and get a little nerdy with me. 
This was so helpful for me to understand. 

Use the diagram below for reference

This is how you process information through your human system as you're having experiences. 

Stage 1:  Neuroception
Your body remembers everything!  Neuroception is an automatic response to a situation where your nervous system uses its lifetimes of somatic memories to see if the current experience is like any past unsafe experience it had. 

Stage 2:  Perception
Next, Perception is an automatic response to the current situation.  Is what I'm experiencing/perceiving around me feeling safe or like a threat?

Stage 3:  State
Stages 1-3 are happening in your Autonomic Nervous system  (the work of Steven Porges - Polyvagal Theory).  Your system will then turn on your ventral, sympathetic, or dorsal states based on what it detected in Stage 1 or 2.  Go to this blog to read more about the 3 states.  This is the Somatic part of your brain-body and it is the stage you can shift and change patterns.  This is where the magic happens!

Stage 4:  Emotion
Your state will evoke emotion, sadness, anger, irritation, frustration, empathy, joy. This happens in your emotional brain (amygdala)

Stage 5:  Behavior
That emotion will trigger a behavior.  Perhaps when you were growing up your feelings weren't acknowledged or there wasn't someone who could hold space for your feelings.  So, you learned to suppress your emotions, fear, uncertainty, anger, etc.  In order to get some comfort, because expressing your emotions wasn't safe, you break open a bag of chips.  Eating the chips is a behavior evoked by the emotion of anxiety.  It's also really smart of your system to use food to try to regulate.

Stage 6:  Story
That behavior evokes a story that happens in your cognitive brain.  For example, As you're coming down from the anxiety and eating the chips you may start to notice that a story is coming.  Thoughts of I'm bad because I was anxious.  The story might be I'm too sensitive, why can't I just be tougher and not feel so emotional. And, now I've eaten this whole bag of chips and feel shame because of that behavior.

Anxiety is happening because your nervous system feels unsafe from a past and/or present experience.  When you try to talk yourself into, "Don't be anxious"  you're talking to a part of your brain that's doesn't understand words.  The part of you that's turned on is detecting safety and danger and directing your state is your nervous system brain or somatic brain.  It has to be shown safety.  Words won't work.

You've got to work from the level of your Nervous system state to shift out of anxiety.

So, the next time you or someone else tries to talk you out of feeling something, remember to check in with your state and use your regulation resources to help to show, not tell your nervous system that you're safe.  When you change your state,  you will change how you feel, act, and your story.

Your system learned these old patterns and it can certainly learn new ones. Want support to shift from feeling anxious into feeling easeful, grounded, and move more easily towards what you want in your life?

It's time to reply to this email and schedule a 1 on 1 consult for private Somatic Experiencing sessions.  Let's get you moving towards how you truly want to feel in your life.

Rather join a Somatic Movement Class this week to add regulation tools and healthy movement to your life.

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With LOVE, Courage, and Regulation

Dorie

P.S. Feeling stuck and can’t move forward with your goals? Read last week’s blog post Why can’t I do what’s good for me?