Why You Can't "Talk" Yourself Out of Feeling Anxious

Hello Friend

Have you ever found yourself anxious and tried to talk yourself out of emotion?  Or have you ever tried to let someone else talk you out of it? 

It seems like the right thing to do, there's a logical explanation for why I shouldn't feel anxious (or whatever you feel) right now. 

But...it doesn't matter what I say or what anyone else says, I still feel anxious. 

Talking doesn't work!

Why?

Check this out and get a little nerdy with me. 
This was so helpful for me to understand. 

Use the diagram below for reference

This is how you process information through your human system as you're having experiences. 

Stage 1:  Neuroception
Your body remembers everything!  Neuroception is an automatic response to a situation where your nervous system uses its lifetimes of somatic memories to see if the current experience is like any past unsafe experience it had. 

Stage 2:  Perception
Next, Perception is an automatic response to the current situation.  Is what I'm experiencing/perceiving around me feeling safe or like a threat?

Stage 3:  State
Stages 1-3 are happening in your Autonomic Nervous system  (the work of Steven Porges - Polyvagal Theory).  Your system will then turn on your ventral, sympathetic, or dorsal states based on what it detected in Stage 1 or 2.  Go to this blog to read more about the 3 states.  This is the Somatic part of your brain-body and it is the stage you can shift and change patterns.  This is where the magic happens!

Stage 4:  Emotion
Your state will evoke emotion, sadness, anger, irritation, frustration, empathy, joy. This happens in your emotional brain (amygdala)

Stage 5:  Behavior
That emotion will trigger a behavior.  Perhaps when you were growing up your feelings weren't acknowledged or there wasn't someone who could hold space for your feelings.  So, you learned to suppress your emotions, fear, uncertainty, anger, etc.  In order to get some comfort, because expressing your emotions wasn't safe, you break open a bag of chips.  Eating the chips is a behavior evoked by the emotion of anxiety.  It's also really smart of your system to use food to try to regulate.

Stage 6:  Story
That behavior evokes a story that happens in your cognitive brain.  For example, As you're coming down from the anxiety and eating the chips you may start to notice that a story is coming.  Thoughts of I'm bad because I was anxious.  The story might be I'm too sensitive, why can't I just be tougher and not feel so emotional. And, now I've eaten this whole bag of chips and feel shame because of that behavior.

Anxiety is happening because your nervous system feels unsafe from a past and/or present experience.  When you try to talk yourself into, "Don't be anxious"  you're talking to a part of your brain that's doesn't understand words.  The part of you that's turned on is detecting safety and danger and directing your state is your nervous system brain or somatic brain.  It has to be shown safety.  Words won't work.

You've got to work from the level of your Nervous system state to shift out of anxiety.

So, the next time you or someone else tries to talk you out of feeling something, remember to check in with your state and use your regulation resources to help to show, not tell your nervous system that you're safe.  When you change your state,  you will change how you feel, act, and your story.

Your system learned these old patterns and it can certainly learn new ones. Want support to shift from feeling anxious into feeling easeful, grounded, and move more easily towards what you want in your life?

It's time to reply to this email and schedule a 1 on 1 consult for private Somatic Experiencing sessions.  Let's get you moving towards how you truly want to feel in your life.

Rather join a Somatic Movement Class this week to add regulation tools and healthy movement to your life.

Weekly Schedule
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With LOVE, Courage, and Regulation

Dorie

P.S. Feeling stuck and can’t move forward with your goals? Read last week’s blog post Why can’t I do what’s good for me?

Why I can't do what's "good" for me?

Hello Friend

How many times have you tried to take on a new exercise routine, eat healthily, or bought an online course for self/business improvement, and you either never touch it OR you're gung ho for the first day or week and then crickets?

Me too!

I cannot tell you how many courses I spent a ton of money on to grow my business and I couldn't follow through with them.  For me, I've noticed a pattern of starting strong.  I'm really good at that.  I get so excited about the new thing and this gives me a ton of energy to start.  But then, the excitement wanes and I can't figure out how to keep it up. 

What's your pattern?

Do you find that when you try to do things that are “good” for you, something stops you from moving forward?   And it's not your mind.  You "know" if you could just figure out how to be consistent you could really benefit from the class or habit or course.  It's something deeper that seems to be controlling your actions and your focus.

What is controlling it?

It’s your Autonomic Nervous System that sends 80% of the information to your cognitive brain.  Your brain only sends 20% of the information down into your body.  So your ANS is controlling what's in your brain, your emotions, behaviors, and stories/thoughts.    Your nervous system patterns control what you do. 

So, if there's anything about the "good" thing you're trying to do that feels unsafe to your nervous system based on experiences that you've had in the past, new person, new ideas, doing too much, similar body language, expressions, ANYTHING, your nervous system will register that as unsafe.  In other words, your protective responses will turn on and you will find yourself in that same pattern of not moving towards the thing you want, but rather doing anything to avoid it. That’s why you can’t talk yourself into doing the thing. And no one else can either.

Makes sense, right? 

So the question is, how can I change these old patterns.

You can learn to tone those protective responses down so you CAN move forward, you have to show, not tell, your nervous system that it's safe to go there.  Gently, slowly stretching your ability to feel safe with these new "good" things.

If you're ready to feel different in your body and mind, reply now to this email for a 1 on 1 consult for private Somatic Experiencing coaching.  Let's get you moving towards what you truly want in your life.

Rather come to a movement class?

We practice turning on the ventral (safety) nerve before during and after class.

Check out a somatic movement class this week

Monday 6-7 pm CST
Wednesday 9:30-10:30 am CST
Friday 12-1 pm CST
Saturday 10-11:15 am CST

Recordings Available

Register here

Why You Keep Getting Stuck and What To Do About It

There are emotional and mental patterns of not moving forward towards your dreams and goals.  And you know what they are.  You could probably write a dissertation on all of your childhood issues, emotional challenges, generational inherited trauma, and patterns that keep you stuck.

I get it!  I spent years working it out in my head too.  Journaling, therapizing, studying scriptures from different traditions, doing ceremonies, etc.  I could write a book on why I feel the way I feel.  And after all that work, while it was a relief to UNDERSTAND why, it didn't actually help me feel different.

Can you relate to this? 

There's something keeping you in an anxious or stuck place.  And when you watch other people moving forward and going for their dreams, it can feel like you're alone on the sidelines watching them while you standstill.  Inevitably, it's easy to believe that you don't have something these other people have.  That you are somehow inherently flawed, don't deserve what you want and you should just settle for what you do have in your life.

It took a while for me to realize that thinking and talking myself through these limiting beliefs and issues is not changing how I feel and it's not helping me to move forward. The thing that helped me to feel in control and able to take steps towards the scary goals was reshaping my nervous system.

So, let's shift the focus, for a moment, to the lens of your nervous system.  You have 3 nerves that work together in your Autonomic Nervous System that keep you safe from danger. 

Ventral - The thoughts and beliefs are "I can"
Sympathetic  - The thoughts and beliefs are "I must now"
Dorsal - The thoughts and belief are "I can't and I'm all alone"

If there's anything from the past that was unsafe and that resembles the new thing you're trying to do, your protective responses (Sympathetic and Dorsal)  will kick in.  Imagine a little kid who was attacked by a dog.  That little kid’s nervous system is going to be scared to move towards dogs even if the attack happened 30 years ago.  

Your protective responses affect what you think and what you feel.  When you feel tight and scared to move forward with something you want, that is a protective response from your nervous system supporting you in not moving towards what feels scary.  When you start to feel like you're faking it to make it and you don't deserve the success in your business, that’s your protective response keeping you safe from something scary. All of this is controlled by your nervous system.

So, if you've been feeling stuck trying to move towards what you want, your protective responses are in high gear.  This is happening in your autonomic nervous system, your sensory system, not your cognitive brain.  To tone those protective responses down so you CAN move forward, you have to show, not tell, your nervous system that it's safe to go there.  Gently, slowly stretching your ability to feel safe taking steps towards your small and big desires in life.

If you're ready to feel different in your body and mind, reply to this email and schedule a 1 on 1 consult for private Somatic Experiencing sessions.  Let's get you moving towards what you truly want in your life.

Rather come to a movement class?

We practice turning on the ventral nerve before during and after class.

Check out a somatic movement class this week

Monday 6-7 pm CST (Somatic Yoga)
Wednesday 9:30-10:30 am CST (Somatic Bowspring - functional movement)
Friday 12-1 pm CST (Somatic Yoga)
Saturday 10-11:15 am CST (Somatic Yoga)

Recordings Available

Register here