How Do I Know if I'm Overgiving vs Being Supportive

Dear Friend~

One of the most impactful themes of the last training I did with the Somatic Experiencing© Institute was having the “intention of support” when using self-touch or doing touch work on another person. And it was really powerful to actually go to the sensation of support. For example, does it FEEL supportive to massage and press hard on an area that feels tight or does it FEEL more supportive to place a hand there acknowledging the tightness? You would think that massaging it is the better choice, but I frequently notice that the supportive touch would actually support my body in relaxing way more than trying to break up the muscle tissue. Very interesting!

I find this idea of support incredibly helpful as I’m navigating the moment-to-moment choices of everyday life as well as when I’m digesting emotions AND supporting others in digesting their emotions.

Having the intention of support looks like this…

-not trying to change what’s happening in your body.

-acknowledging what's actually there. (sensations, images, behaviors, emotions)

-hanging out with it as it changes into something else

-and after the positive or unpleasant emotional experience is over being with what happens after that. Sometimes it’s the peace and ease of being present and regulated, other times, there is shame/guilt from fully feeling those feelings.

The outcome of support:

-Feeling seen and heard. This is very important for those of us with childhoods where love and attention from our caregivers were inconsistent, mixed with fear, uncertainty, or not there at all.

-Feeling supported by others increases our regulation (ie vagal tone) which will...

-Build resilience. Rather than coddling or fixing something unpleasant, which actually puts someone in a state of not dealing with their shit, supporting what's actually happening helps the nervous system to be resilient when future challenges arise. Leaning into unpleasant (and pleasant) emotions with support is key for a healthy resilient system. And this will

-Evoke a feeling of trust in your body, your abilities, and your relationships. Which results in

-Being a more effective support for the people in your life. Rather than feeling sucked dry by those around you, you can be supportive (because you did it with yourself) without feeling drained by over giving.

Your nervous system state affects your actions, your emotions, your beliefs, and your story.

This week, when you're making decisions: deciding what to eat, to rest or to be active, to call someone, I invite you to ask your body if what you're doing or thinking of doing feels supportive. And let me know how it goes.

Sick of feeling overly sensitive, drained, and stuck? Reply to this email and schedule a 1 on 1 consult for private Somatic Experiencing sessions.  Let's get you moving towards how you truly want to feel in your life and moving towards your goals.

Or, join a Somatic Movement Class this week to add regulation tools and healthy movement to your life.

With LOVE, Courage, and Regulation

Dorie

P.S. Read last week’s blog post What it takes to move through painful experiences and move on with your life

Why Endings are so Hard

Dear Friend~

Today, I'm finishing off the Somatic Experiencing© training. 

Endings always bring about a mix of emotions for me.  My guess is that endings are not easy for you either.  In general, we are a culture that very much favors beginnings and creating something new.  Looking forward to big events, birthdays, weddings, celebrations, the start of school, planning for dates with friends, shows to go to, starting a new business or project. 

Endings are a bit harder as they bring on more painful or challenging emotions.  The end of a show series, the end of the day, the end of school, the end of a relationship, the death of a loved one. And we have lost so much over the last year with the pandemic as well as the anniversary of 9/11 and all of the unrest and injustices that are coming to the fore.

In my yoga philosophy studies, I learned that everything exists in cycles, there’s a beginning (creation), the event happening (maintenance) and then the ending (dissolution) which brings upon yet another beginning, and the cycle starts again.

And yet, even with this intellectual framework for endings, we tend to shy away from more challenging emotions because they are painful.  This happens on an unconscious and a nervous system level.  We will do other things to avoid feeling sadness, anger, rage, grief when they arise.  On top of that, feeling these emotions is very commonly tied to shame and guilt because of our perpetual pushing down and pushing away of them when they arise.

The problem is that these emotions, when unfelt, do lead to immense suffering.  I know this to be true not just from my training, but from my own life experience.  Depression and anxiety have been my primary emotional states for decades as well as chronic reproductive health issues.  Why?  Because I didn't have the support I needed to feel these emotions from other people AND I didn't have the capacity in my own nervous system to feel them.  Both are needed to move painful emotions to completion and come back to a state of regulation and wellbeing. 

Capacity and Support

And with capacity and support that feels safe, you can feel the full spectrum of emotion which will help you to feel fully alive, fully connected to others, and reclaim your life energy. And that, my friend, is your birthright.

If you are resonating with these words and know that sadness, pain from the past, and grief are holding you back, please reach out for support. Connect with me here to schdule a 1 on 1 complimentary consult.

Rather join a Somatic Movement Class this week to add regulation tools and healthy movement to your life.

With LOVE, Courage, and Regulation

Dorie

P.S. Read last week’s blog postIs it wrong that I don't feel super excited about...

Why Don't I Feel Super Excited About...

Dear friend~

I will preface this by saying that it’s never WRONG to feel what you feel. So, let’s get curious about what you actually feel rather than putting your experience in the good or bad category, shall we?

OK, now that’s out of the way, let’s unpack this idea together.

Excitement!
It may feel a bit weird if you’re not feeling super excited about something that’s coming up. Perhaps it’s a trip that you’re FINALLY going on, friends or family that you’re going to see for the first time in a few years. Or maybe it’s a change in your life, a new job, a new house, a first date, etc…

When you look at excitement through the lens of the nervous system it lands between the ventral and sympathetic states.

Remember our states: (there are also mixes of these states which we call blended states)

Ventral Vagal - relaxed and awake, present, embodied, fully here
Sympathetic - mobilized, annoyed, anxious, angry, rage-full
Dorsal - shutdown, dissociated

Excitement happens ideally when we’re present and here (ventral) with a little bit of sympathetic mixed in.

Excitement is a curious emotion because it can easily ramp us up into anxiety (high sympathetic charge) so there may be times where you feel excited and then all of the sudden you’re anxious and subsequently shut down or exhausted.

This can be very confusing because if you’re feeling excited about something positive in your life everything in your head is telling you to be excited. “This doesn’t make sense. I want to go on this trip. I haven’t been on a trip in 2 years. I need to get out of here and see new things, smell new smells, taste new tastes. Why do I feel anxious OR why do I feel nothing?”

First, this makes so much sense. Excitement is a big energy, so is going on a trip or doing something new. So, your nervous system (who’s job is to keep you alive and assess danger or safety) knows “hey, this big thing is something we haven’t done in a while.” So, it’s going to check in with your somatic memories and see if there’s anything that happened in the past that was new or exciting and see if that FELT safe or not for your nervous system in the past. If it felt safe, you may feel a little excitement now that’s anchored in the here and now. If the somatic memory is NOT SAFE, it will superimpose that experience onto the present one. It’s likely that you’re system will either rev up the excited/sympathetic charge (I feel anxious) and/or there may be a shut down (I feel nothing, I feel disconnected, or what’s the point of doing this thing).

Your nervous system is so freaking smart!

So, let’s take a moment to acknowledge the A+ job it’s doing on your behalf to keep you alive.

And understanding what’s happening in your nervous system and how to help it to feel safe is so important because it will help you stay on the road you want to be on (ie going on your trip) rather than feeling anxious, shutting you down, or freezing you in your tracks.

Your nervous system state affects your actions, your emotions, your beliefs, and your story.

You may want to re-read the above line…

So, if you’re feeling like your nervous system is controlling you rather than you being in control….its time for us to have a chat. Think about all that can change when you start to change your state daily.

Reply to this email and schedule a 1 on 1 consult for private Somatic Experiencing sessions.  Let's get you moving towards how you truly want to feel in your life and moving towards your goals.

Rather join a Somatic Movement Class this week to add regulation tools and healthy movement to your life.

With LOVE, Courage, and Regulation

Dorie

P.S. Read last week’s blog post A surprising practice for easing anxiety